Those Creaking Years Before Us
When we reach
our middle
years and seek
what creaks
before us, those
laborious elder
days, those we
fear; we live
with greater
caution. How
time flew from
birth to age of ten!
We think so now,
but, then, we
thought that
time was slow,
living free from
thoughts of death.
Another ten
found us twenty,
still unaware of
those future
creaking years
before us. Here
we lived within a
sanctuary free from
any thought
of those creaking
years before us. Now
we see how fleeting
those days were
and what rises
near us are years
far fewer than
those that have
gone before. And
time has sped
toward those
creaking years before
us. While life has been
exquisite, if we
dawdle in complaint
we have regrets that
we have missed it.
Too shortly our
bodies wither and
grow old, heading
to'ard our grave,
forlorn, dark and cold.
We ride our days
in an old creaking
ship destined to
land where we
have navigated
through our time
as we saw fit.
Our decades have
been spent, no
time left for us
to turn round, relive
or repent. With
philosophic angst
we question how
we bide this time,
time that will hasten,
faster, faster, to'ard
those creaking years
before us. Soon, soon
we can no longer
hide beneath the bed
we've made. Since so
little will remain
before us, our
eyes will turn
about to see where
we have been, only
after we reach those
creaking years before
us. Will our ship
carry burdens of
bitterness, wasted
years, poorly lived
moments on
churning waters
of dis-awareness?
Who, then, will
hear the stamping
of our feet as
we cry in anguish
at what we think
unfairness? We
who launch our
creaking ship
to'ard those creaking
years before us
choose the cargo
that we'll carry.
May we choose well
those traits, dispositions
and propensities that
on our face we
will forever marry.
Live! Live! Live
life as a song
well sung and a
tale well told. So
when the petals
fall and we have
grown old and
reached those creaking
years before us, the
journey etched upon
our face will tell
a story proud with
honor, one that
leaves a gift for
others who can
walk that line we've
left to trace, as we
lived so well those
creaking years
before us.
Showing posts with label Life and Its Vicissitudes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life and Its Vicissitudes. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Gratitude List Sequel
26. I am even grateful for my lovely apartment provided through Housing and Urban Development. Some people are living in the streets.
27. I am grateful that, even with all of his limitations, for we all have them, that Bruce takes care of me physically and emotionally with a generosity that knows no bounds. I am so very grateful that he, with compassionate interest, often helps to provide for my sister, Haley, Allen, even my mother and father.
28. I am grateful to live within the boundaries of a country that offers a freedom not enjoyed by the entire globe.
29. I am grateful for the forces of nature that teases me with rain, snow and sunshine.
30. I am grateful for the view outside my window. I can see the mountains and remember the deer, the bear, the turkey and the baby foxes that made me laugh, the squirrel that Manny loved to chase. I am grateful for the memory of the morning ritual of opening the door for Manny, while he charged outside, me hollering, "Go get 'em Cowboy!!!" Ah. . . so many memories of my Dobie, Little Man.
31. I am grateful for a good cup of coffee, a glass of wine and a burning scented candle. I always said that if I have those three things, I feel rich. But, I must also have books! "A room without books is like a body without a soul."
32. Although I stubbornly fight them, I am grateful for the tears, the sobs that can cleanse my inner being and bring about a newness, a calm that enables a fresher look at life.
33. I am grateful to have known the sound of the percussion made by the wind-chimes outside my bedroom window.
34. I am grateful for the sound of the Great Horned Owl who frequented the forest about me.
35. I am grateful for the sound of the crickets during the night and the bass of the frogs who resided by the lake, the Katy-Dids that added their music and the short and long horned grasshoppers who scratched a tune, for the little toads who sought refuge beneath my porch during the hours of daylight and trusted us to hold them at night, peering at the uniqueness of their species.
36. I am grateful for the nighttime cry of the Whip-or-Will who chose to nest behind our house. And, for the red tailed hawk who took up residence in our woods.
37. I am grateful for the unusual friendship with a Praying Mantas who made a certain Rendezvous unforgettable.
38. I am grateful for the singular day with Little Man in the rain, when we were spontaneously joined by an elderly gentleman who just had to grab his umbrella and follow our walk home, sharing our silliness and joy. I am grateful that I made him smile and for the final wave before he departed.
39. I am grateful to have witnessed the once in a lifetime sight and sound of a moving hive of bees.
40. I am also grateful to have seen an entire hive of bees settled into a bush to rest before they continued on their journey.
41. I am grateful to be able to hear the sound of music.
42. I feel grateful for all of the choices in life and to fear not death.
43. I am grateful for something new in my life. . . f riendships developed through a web-site named Etsy and for this blog that will offer me opportunity to express myself and find others who, like me, want to share their gift with the world.
27. I am grateful that, even with all of his limitations, for we all have them, that Bruce takes care of me physically and emotionally with a generosity that knows no bounds. I am so very grateful that he, with compassionate interest, often helps to provide for my sister, Haley, Allen, even my mother and father.
28. I am grateful to live within the boundaries of a country that offers a freedom not enjoyed by the entire globe.
29. I am grateful for the forces of nature that teases me with rain, snow and sunshine.
30. I am grateful for the view outside my window. I can see the mountains and remember the deer, the bear, the turkey and the baby foxes that made me laugh, the squirrel that Manny loved to chase. I am grateful for the memory of the morning ritual of opening the door for Manny, while he charged outside, me hollering, "Go get 'em Cowboy!!!" Ah. . . so many memories of my Dobie, Little Man.
31. I am grateful for a good cup of coffee, a glass of wine and a burning scented candle. I always said that if I have those three things, I feel rich. But, I must also have books! "A room without books is like a body without a soul."
32. Although I stubbornly fight them, I am grateful for the tears, the sobs that can cleanse my inner being and bring about a newness, a calm that enables a fresher look at life.
33. I am grateful to have known the sound of the percussion made by the wind-chimes outside my bedroom window.
34. I am grateful for the sound of the Great Horned Owl who frequented the forest about me.
35. I am grateful for the sound of the crickets during the night and the bass of the frogs who resided by the lake, the Katy-Dids that added their music and the short and long horned grasshoppers who scratched a tune, for the little toads who sought refuge beneath my porch during the hours of daylight and trusted us to hold them at night, peering at the uniqueness of their species.
36. I am grateful for the nighttime cry of the Whip-or-Will who chose to nest behind our house. And, for the red tailed hawk who took up residence in our woods.
37. I am grateful for the unusual friendship with a Praying Mantas who made a certain Rendezvous unforgettable.
38. I am grateful for the singular day with Little Man in the rain, when we were spontaneously joined by an elderly gentleman who just had to grab his umbrella and follow our walk home, sharing our silliness and joy. I am grateful that I made him smile and for the final wave before he departed.
39. I am grateful to have witnessed the once in a lifetime sight and sound of a moving hive of bees.
40. I am also grateful to have seen an entire hive of bees settled into a bush to rest before they continued on their journey.
41. I am grateful to be able to hear the sound of music.
42. I feel grateful for all of the choices in life and to fear not death.
43. I am grateful for something new in my life. . . f riendships developed through a web-site named Etsy and for this blog that will offer me opportunity to express myself and find others who, like me, want to share their gift with the world.
I find it necessary that before I finish my Gratitude List I clarify something pertaining to my separation from Ashley. Ashley herself is not the one who has denied me her companionship. It is her mother. In brief, due to a sleet storm we were unable to travel the 40 miles up a mountain to pick up Ashley - as we had planned - and take her to my parent's home at 11:00 A.M.
Weather was to warm by noon. We called Ashley about the change in plans. Noontime we called to tell Ashley we were coming for her; her mother and new husband then accused us of "always disappointing Ashley." Because they lived on a mountain and it wasn't sleeting there they accused us of lying. It was quite nasty. As you read my Gratitude List you will see how unfair this judgment was and why it has been heartbreaking. I will share more of her life and my memories in another post, someday.
Ashley is attending a boarding school at Milton Hershey, in Hershey Pa. Her mother won't allow me to have her address to write. My phone number and email address have changed since this split so Ashley is not able to contact me. But, I know that she will never forget the memories I hoped to create - to be the good in a horrendous childhood.
Weather was to warm by noon. We called Ashley about the change in plans. Noontime we called to tell Ashley we were coming for her; her mother and new husband then accused us of "always disappointing Ashley." Because they lived on a mountain and it wasn't sleeting there they accused us of lying. It was quite nasty. As you read my Gratitude List you will see how unfair this judgment was and why it has been heartbreaking. I will share more of her life and my memories in another post, someday.
Ashley is attending a boarding school at Milton Hershey, in Hershey Pa. Her mother won't allow me to have her address to write. My phone number and email address have changed since this split so Ashley is not able to contact me. But, I know that she will never forget the memories I hoped to create - to be the good in a horrendous childhood.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Life and Reality
As I sat here pondering what I should write, it occurred to me that, perhaps, one of the best ways to come to know someone would be to read their gratitude list. Not everyone has one, but everyone truly should. I wrote mine many months ago when I fell into a funk over the separation, although friendly, of my husband and I - a marriage of over thirty-three years. A dear friend suggested that I make such a list. I did and I was amazed at the things that sprang to my mind, unbidden yet urgent. They were all simple things.
So, I've decided to share this list with you. It is quite lengthy at a list of forty-two; I'll divide it in half. You need to know those who people my list. Bruce, my husband, niece Ashley (17 years old), niece, Haley (six years old) my "baby" brother, Allen (thirty-four years old), my beloved Doberman, Manny or Little Man whom I had to have put to sleep before he reached the age of seven. Oh, Bruce is fifty-eight. Putz is my working/service dog (four years old).
It will also help you to know that, by some unexpected and cruel lies and accusations, I have not had any contact with Ashley for about four years now. My phone number and email address have changed; Ashley can't even surreptitiously reach out to me. Her father is my brother a, supposed recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He and Ashley's mother have long been divorced. This incident with Ashley caused great pain, but my gratitudes have soothed the suffering.
Haley is also my brother Paul's child, to another woman, a prostitute. My sister and brother-in-law rescued Haley from the streets when she was five months old. It was winter and the mother was living on the streets; my brother was in jail. My sister, Barbara, is now a widow. Her husband died at home on Feb. 2008 from lung cancer. My sister is forty-four.
Several friends are mentioned and their nicknames may seem quite odd. They are people my husband and I met while participating in period re-enactments of the Fur Trading Era, an event called Rendezvous. I am also legally blind, which has nothing to do with the rest of this paragraph; I just thought you should know.
Gratitude List
1. I'm grateful that I can see well enough to read and write.
2. I'm grateful that I have some talent with words, whether it is recognized by others or not. Known or unknown, my poetry gives me joy; whether tearful, painful or filled with joy, my words define me and I am satisfied.
3. I'm grateful that even though I have lost my sleek athletic body, I still have all of my limbs; others must learn gratitude with a mere torso.
4. I am grateful for my home here at Sherman Hill Apartments. It pleases me with its esthetic beauty created by my nesting. Every morning I awaken and peer into the corners of my space and find peace.
5. I am grateful for Putz. Many others do not have, cannot afford a service dog and must live without a pet or companion to make them smile, to give them something alive to live for.
6. I am grateful that I had the years with Ashley. I gave her something that can never be stolen from her heart, nor mine. But, even if she were to forget me, I have the same joy and gratitude for those moments of time.
7. I am grateful for our tea parties, when we dressed in our gaudiest best, in heels too high, while she sipped her tea and me my wine, for the summer's party when we sat at the bistro table outside my bedroom window and she sang to me Broadway songs without any self-consciousness. I am grateful for the memory of blasting her favorite group at the time, Santana, while Uncle Bruce would teach her to dance. Such lovely tea parties we had - an annual tradition over summer vacation. Clothing and shoes, feather boas and hats purchased at thrift stores.
8. I am grateful for the memories Ashley gave me within her own gratitude, that she told me she believed that our new found relationship was like a gift. Such profundity from an eleven year old child.
9. I am grateful for my sister's strength. She is my mentor. I am grateful for Haley, grateful that I can make some difference in her life. I am grateful for her phone calls when we play a sort of hide and seek, sing songs, do the ABCs and count her numbers.
10. I am grateful that I raised Allen. Those years cannot be taken from us. Our love can never be torn away. I'm grateful that he loved me enough to find a way to Lake Harmony on an occasion of great mental and emotional need. It took great effort for him to travel the 600 mile round trip just for one day together.
11. I am grateful that by the generosity of friends I heard the ocean surf for the first time.
12. I am grateful for all those future opportunities to hear the same sound of the pounding surf. I feel great gratitude for this ocean, where I can be renewed and strengthened.
13. I am grateful for the friendship of Jim and Diane, for the time spent at the shore with them, to repay their kindness to us.
14. I am grateful that we had the opportunity to take Allen to the shore, not once, but twice.
15. I am grateful for Little Man, even though it brings tears to my eyes, even though I suffered terribly after his death, even though I had to make the decision to eliminate his pain. Manny gave me more than many people. I cry with longing still. I yearn with an ache that will never disappear. I am grateful to have shared the ocean with him, not once, but twice.
16. I am grateful for the friendship of Jim, Becky, Gary, Duane, Lisa, Guthrie, Ginger, "Parle' Vou, The Woods Fairy, Thumper and his drum. Cindy and Frank, Jim and Diane, Bob and Bev, Janet and Tom, Henry and Frank, Bobby B and Laura. . .so many friends, too many to name.
17. I am especially grateful for my friendship with Robert, a friend to whom I can reveal my vulnerabilities and who will listen and give wise advice without criticism, who watches out for me. I am grateful for his being there when I needed to be held and to talk endlessly.
18. I am grateful that I no longer have guilt feelings for Paul's circumstances, that I realize I have done all that could be done by me in his behalf. I am grateful to be firm and well-grounded in this lack of guilt. I wouldn't waver even if he had to take a job as an organ grinder's monkey.
19. I am grateful for the DREAM I had that allowed me to know the feeling of unconditional love. That can never be taken away from me.
20. I am grateful for cancer because it has taught me to prioritize my life. Even though I have stumbled and fallen, a higher power has kept me alive and given me the strength to change a situation in life that took away my priorities.
21. I am grateful for the wisdom of my oncologist, Dr. Torres, not just because he is an excellent doctor in his field but because he treats the whole person, mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm glad he cherishes the letter I wrote to him and gave me this advice, "Never go to bed without writing something."
22. I am grateful to have met Bruce, although saddened by our past, present and seemingly powerlessness to change our future.
Whew! I'm sure you're glad this first half is done! My comment about my brother's being an organ grinder's monkey might sound callous, but you would have to know the circumstances. Let's just say I've found a way to deal with him that includes a sense of humor.
Till next time Pilgrim!
So, I've decided to share this list with you. It is quite lengthy at a list of forty-two; I'll divide it in half. You need to know those who people my list. Bruce, my husband, niece Ashley (17 years old), niece, Haley (six years old) my "baby" brother, Allen (thirty-four years old), my beloved Doberman, Manny or Little Man whom I had to have put to sleep before he reached the age of seven. Oh, Bruce is fifty-eight. Putz is my working/service dog (four years old).
It will also help you to know that, by some unexpected and cruel lies and accusations, I have not had any contact with Ashley for about four years now. My phone number and email address have changed; Ashley can't even surreptitiously reach out to me. Her father is my brother a, supposed recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He and Ashley's mother have long been divorced. This incident with Ashley caused great pain, but my gratitudes have soothed the suffering.
Haley is also my brother Paul's child, to another woman, a prostitute. My sister and brother-in-law rescued Haley from the streets when she was five months old. It was winter and the mother was living on the streets; my brother was in jail. My sister, Barbara, is now a widow. Her husband died at home on Feb. 2008 from lung cancer. My sister is forty-four.
Several friends are mentioned and their nicknames may seem quite odd. They are people my husband and I met while participating in period re-enactments of the Fur Trading Era, an event called Rendezvous. I am also legally blind, which has nothing to do with the rest of this paragraph; I just thought you should know.
Gratitude List
1. I'm grateful that I can see well enough to read and write.
2. I'm grateful that I have some talent with words, whether it is recognized by others or not. Known or unknown, my poetry gives me joy; whether tearful, painful or filled with joy, my words define me and I am satisfied.
3. I'm grateful that even though I have lost my sleek athletic body, I still have all of my limbs; others must learn gratitude with a mere torso.
4. I am grateful for my home here at Sherman Hill Apartments. It pleases me with its esthetic beauty created by my nesting. Every morning I awaken and peer into the corners of my space and find peace.
5. I am grateful for Putz. Many others do not have, cannot afford a service dog and must live without a pet or companion to make them smile, to give them something alive to live for.
6. I am grateful that I had the years with Ashley. I gave her something that can never be stolen from her heart, nor mine. But, even if she were to forget me, I have the same joy and gratitude for those moments of time.
7. I am grateful for our tea parties, when we dressed in our gaudiest best, in heels too high, while she sipped her tea and me my wine, for the summer's party when we sat at the bistro table outside my bedroom window and she sang to me Broadway songs without any self-consciousness. I am grateful for the memory of blasting her favorite group at the time, Santana, while Uncle Bruce would teach her to dance. Such lovely tea parties we had - an annual tradition over summer vacation. Clothing and shoes, feather boas and hats purchased at thrift stores.
8. I am grateful for the memories Ashley gave me within her own gratitude, that she told me she believed that our new found relationship was like a gift. Such profundity from an eleven year old child.
9. I am grateful for my sister's strength. She is my mentor. I am grateful for Haley, grateful that I can make some difference in her life. I am grateful for her phone calls when we play a sort of hide and seek, sing songs, do the ABCs and count her numbers.
10. I am grateful that I raised Allen. Those years cannot be taken from us. Our love can never be torn away. I'm grateful that he loved me enough to find a way to Lake Harmony on an occasion of great mental and emotional need. It took great effort for him to travel the 600 mile round trip just for one day together.
11. I am grateful that by the generosity of friends I heard the ocean surf for the first time.
12. I am grateful for all those future opportunities to hear the same sound of the pounding surf. I feel great gratitude for this ocean, where I can be renewed and strengthened.
13. I am grateful for the friendship of Jim and Diane, for the time spent at the shore with them, to repay their kindness to us.
14. I am grateful that we had the opportunity to take Allen to the shore, not once, but twice.
15. I am grateful for Little Man, even though it brings tears to my eyes, even though I suffered terribly after his death, even though I had to make the decision to eliminate his pain. Manny gave me more than many people. I cry with longing still. I yearn with an ache that will never disappear. I am grateful to have shared the ocean with him, not once, but twice.
16. I am grateful for the friendship of Jim, Becky, Gary, Duane, Lisa, Guthrie, Ginger, "Parle' Vou, The Woods Fairy, Thumper and his drum. Cindy and Frank, Jim and Diane, Bob and Bev, Janet and Tom, Henry and Frank, Bobby B and Laura. . .so many friends, too many to name.
17. I am especially grateful for my friendship with Robert, a friend to whom I can reveal my vulnerabilities and who will listen and give wise advice without criticism, who watches out for me. I am grateful for his being there when I needed to be held and to talk endlessly.
18. I am grateful that I no longer have guilt feelings for Paul's circumstances, that I realize I have done all that could be done by me in his behalf. I am grateful to be firm and well-grounded in this lack of guilt. I wouldn't waver even if he had to take a job as an organ grinder's monkey.
19. I am grateful for the DREAM I had that allowed me to know the feeling of unconditional love. That can never be taken away from me.
20. I am grateful for cancer because it has taught me to prioritize my life. Even though I have stumbled and fallen, a higher power has kept me alive and given me the strength to change a situation in life that took away my priorities.
21. I am grateful for the wisdom of my oncologist, Dr. Torres, not just because he is an excellent doctor in his field but because he treats the whole person, mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm glad he cherishes the letter I wrote to him and gave me this advice, "Never go to bed without writing something."
22. I am grateful to have met Bruce, although saddened by our past, present and seemingly powerlessness to change our future.
Whew! I'm sure you're glad this first half is done! My comment about my brother's being an organ grinder's monkey might sound callous, but you would have to know the circumstances. Let's just say I've found a way to deal with him that includes a sense of humor.
Till next time Pilgrim!
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